What we say and when we say it can have great impact in the lives of both hearer and speaker. How we say things influence how well they’re received. Perhaps, the one thing that is most significant is why we say them. What is behind what we say is a big reason to be slow to speak. Sometimes it pays to ask ourselves, “What purpose will this serve?” Secondly, and more importantly, is what I say congruent with love?
When someone says or does something that offends or inconveniences you, do you give them a piece of your mind? Are you quick to retort? Some give others a piece of their mind so often, it’s amazing they even have a mind left. Scripture does tell us to speak the truth in love; therefore, if love has nothing to do with what is said, it’s not truth. Even if what is said is true, a person is merely giving factual statements, at least as he sees it. But again, to what end? Some get a sense of justice when they “let others know about it.” Is that the same justice the Lord served you? “Well, they had it coming!” Did God give you what you had coming? Honestly, before any of us speak our mind in such cases, we need to begin with love and forgiveness. Ask yourself, “Does Jesus treat me this way?”
Jesus did say, “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother” (Matthew 18:15). One reason to tell someone their fault is to protect the relationship, especially if it is a close one. Jesus seriously values relationships. There are certain boundaries that should be in place to protect others and ourselves. If one hurts another, and specially when it’s done repeatedly, the one hurt tends to build a barrier to protect his or her heart. It damages the intimacy until forgiveness ensues and reconciliation takes place. In some cases, it takes a long time to restore what was lost, let alone grow deeper in the relationship. As stewards of the relationship, it is appropriate to let another know they hurt or offended you. Nonetheless, be careful that it’s not said out of retaliation –which is easy to do. If you’re angry, it would be a good idea to walk away until you’ve prayed and submitted to Holy Spirit. At that point, you can address the situation. At the same time, it doesn’t mean you give the proverbial silent treatment; rather, let him or her know that you can’t talk now because you’re angry, but you will talk later. It is one thing to express that you’re angry; it’s quite another to allow anger to speak for you! Ephesians 4:25-27 Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.
We don’t always see the big picture. Only God knows the heart, and why people do and say the things they do. When someone is being offensive or hurtful, there’s something behind it. Our fight is not with flesh and blood. What we’re experiencing is often the result of something unseen, such as a wounded soul. A wounded bear is far more dangerous than a healthy one. We’re not animals, but when people have been hurt or harassed, they don’t always behave appropriately. Instead of being quick to retaliate when someone is being offensive, stop and ask our Father what’s going on with this person. “What does he or she need right now? What can I do or say at this point –if anything? Help me be who You need me to be.” James 1:19 This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. Unfortunately, some people get edgy with others when they need someone to talk with. This may be more true for those closest to them. Right now, they may need you to be a listening ear; and not a mouth. There’s a time to speak and a time to listen. Let Holy Spirit lead. If you let anger or hurt lead, things could escalate quickly. The next thing you know, you’re the one damaging the relationship. Reconciliation and restoration are big in God’s heart (see 2 Corinthians 5:18-19). If we make a decision to walk in love and thereby not be easily offended, we are in a better position to restore another, and maintain the relationship.
This leads to another reason to say it: to benefit another. If we can get our eyes off ourselves long enough, we may be able to reach out to those who are hurting themselves. It goes along the line of telling someone his fault to gain a brother. By speaking into someone’s life, we may be saving them a lot of heartache down the road. At times, people don’t realize they’re sabotaging themselves. By appropriately intervening, we may actually facilitate healing. Those who are deeply wounded and see little value in themselves tend to sabotage themselves, and need someone of an understanding heart to help them along. With God’s leading, we may be able to help them see what they don’t see, but need to see. Jesus can give us much insight if we listen carefully. That insight can restore and heal those in need.
None of this is easy to do on our own. One thing that helps us along is renewing our minds. The more we think like God, the easier it becomes. Pay attention to what you’re taking into your heart. Without realizing it, if we inundate ourselves in a culture that cries retribution in the name of justice, we can become hard-hearted. If you constantly fill your mind with movies and programs that highlight payback, your thought process will lend itself to retaliation instead of reconciliation. By spending time in the Bible and engulfing yourself in the culture of the Kingdom, your mind will conform more to the way our Father looks at relationships. This too, is a decision!
