A sure fire way to damage relationships, minds and emotions is withholding love and affection. Using love and affection to manipulate or punish others is not love nor true affection. It teaches children that true love is conditional, and being some sort of perfectionist is the way to one’s heart. It instills the idea someone is never enough, especially, since perfection is unattainable. Nothing will ever be good enough. While it’s true that it is a bad idea to reward bad behavior, and discipline is necessary, it is also true there is a difference between discipline and abuse. True love disciplines with the view of helping someone become a better version of his or her self. In short, it is always for his or her benefit. Punishment destroys when anger, retaliation and/or displeasure are at its core. The why questions can be very effective when we apply them to ourselves. For instance, “Why am I doing this?” Introspective questions can help cut off misguided behavior and attitudes. “Why do I think this way?” “How is this going to benefit another?” “What are the possible outcomes to what I’m doing (or about to do)?” If we want to love well and build up others, our best Example to emulate is God. Let’s take a look at some ways He deals with us.
The well-known John 3:16 makes something very clear about God: the reason He does anything for us is love. He gave and constantly gives because He loved us first. The verse does not say, “The world was perfect, so He sent His only begotten Son.” Here’s what it really says: “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” His love was not predicated on our “good and perfect behavior.” In fact, His love created a way to raise us up out of our sin. He gave us His perfection, so that we could be made perfect or whole in Jesus Christ. Remember, perfection on our part is unattainable. 2 Corinthians 5:21 For He hath made Him to be sin for us, Who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him.
Scripture makes it clear that God disciplines us for own good (read Hebrews 12:1-11). He gave us everything we need to be partakers of His divine nature (see 2 Peter 1:1-4). God never withholds love; however, because of His great love He will do things we don’t always understand or even agree with for that matter. Moreover, His love will cause Him to not do things we think He should. He knows the long-game, and views it with our benefit in mind.
If you want your marriage to fail, punish your spouse by withholding love and affection. In some cases, spouses sought affection from those more willing to give. This does not excuse adultery. No way, no how! For clarity purposes, understand that failure to celebrate your spouse may underscore a possible temptation to seek fulfillment of his or her need to be loved or valued elsewhere. If you decide your spouse’s behavior, or what he or she does for you is more important than your spouse, your priorities are out of order. God’s love gives everyone the freedom to do what they will -good or bad. Love enables your loved ones to freely serve you without resentment. Which is better, taking or receiving? Of course, this principle applies to other relationships, including the ones found in a churches.
How many adults are people-pleasers because their parents or close family members withheld love and affection from them? More than any of us can count! They didn’t receive the love they needed, and therefore, never learned to properly love themselves. That is, the way God loves them. As a result, many have become needy because the vacuum has never been filled. It makes it difficult for some to receive the Father’s love, because they equate their parents’ love to His. However, once they connect to His love, they become unstoppable. They become free to be who they were designed to be, regardless of people’s opinions. Jesus said, “If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free” (John 8:31-32). Your inner healing begins with a relationship with Him. Immersion in His love will enable you to love well. Your intentionality to be love as He is love will go through the roof. You can’t help but desire to edify others. If you find you cannot say, “No” when you should say no, you may have a disconnect. Connect to His heart, and you win!
If you desire unbreakable relationships and see your loved ones thrive, make the decision to love them well. Be affectionate. When someone or something needs correction, ask God for the necessary wisdom to handle it the right way. 1 Peter 4:8 Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails . . .
