The Myth of Give and Take

   Some state that relationships require give and take, with equal percentages thrown in to complete the concept. They might say if a relationship is failing, it’s because those said percentages are unequal. To a large to degree there is merit to that statement. To be sure, there are those who serve in greater capacities than their counterparts. But even that is a mixed bag.

   We’ll go deeper in this momentarily, but some serve more than the others out of dysfunction. There’s a wound involved that has led to being unbalanced. Of course, others may serve less because they’re narcissistic in nature. One can be all give, and the other is all take. This relationship model may work for a while, in which one loves to do all the giving, and the other all the taking. Not exactly healthy.

   Giving is good when it’s done out of love. Take, on the other hand, lends itself to entitlement. There’s an expectation placed on the other to give. It’s hard to freely give when someone is trying to take from you. In some cases, manipulation comes into the picture. “I did this for you, you can at least do that for me.” In this case, when someone asks for the return, did he give in order to get the return? Is that considered love? Hmmm.

   However, here’s another consideration when it comes to giving. If you have already made the decision to freely give and serve, no one can take advantage of you. No one can manipulate you, because the decision has already been made; even if the other person believes they’re getting away with something. It’s your choice, not theirs.

   Perhaps a better approach to relationships would be give and receive. Let’s be honest, it feels good to give. What happens when giving is stifled by someone who refuses the gift? Frustration, perhaps? Receiving from others is not an act of demand; whereas, taking may lead to an unfair expectation. One idea behind receiving is providing a place where one may give. It has more to do with allowing someone the benefit of giving. Sometimes in the Christian community you might hear someone say, “Don’t steal my blessing.”

   Receiving gives someone the opportunity to give. Which in itself expresses give and receive. Take tends to be more selfish, while receive looks to benefit the giver, even though one is receiving a blessing by the other. Both giving and receiving are detached from selfishness.

   One more thing about receiving: it connects to humility and gratitude. It can be humbling when someone wants to do something for you; in fact, humility is a requirement for receiving. Pride pushes the blessing away. By the way, God loves humility. Without it, one could not be saved. Are you grateful when someone blesses you in some fashion? If not, time for a heart-check. Humility and gratitude kill entitlement. Those who take from others tend to be unthankful.

   Giving is an expression of love. Receiving allows the other person to express his or her love to you. Some call it one’s love-language. Think about this, God freely gives out of love, with no strings attached. We have the autonomy to decide whether we will receive from Him.

   John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Wounds

   Excess baggage often places undue stress on relationships. More specifically, those who carry emotional trauma from early life experiences have difficulty interacting with others. Those traumatic experiences may reach as far back as their early formative years. They carry with them triggers that aren’t apparent in the beginning of relationships. Sometimes they don’t surface until people are invested in each other. One obvious place in which this is evident is marriage. Please excuse the vernacular, but it makes the point: some didn’t realize they were marrying a monster the day the vows were exchanged. “He wasn’t like this before we got married.”

   To be fair, most monsters don’t realize they’re monsters. It’s their norm. Very few are self-aware. On the other hand, some are frustrated with themselves, because they are aware of short-fuses, but don’t know how to get rid of them.

   Of course, not everyone has anger-issues. Others are very manipulative. It’s easy to scorn those who fall under this category, but if we want to see things change for the better, it’s vital to employ empathy. This doesn’t mean condoning bad behavior.

    What you may not realize, is manipulation is a survival technique used by many. Those who grew in dysfunctional families, had to find ways to cope with life. One highly used coping mechanism is manipulation, which manifests in many different forms. It’s not that these people are inherently evil; they are wounded and need healing. Again, it is how they survived their circumstances. Studies have shown that some home environments have the same stress levels as an actual warzone.  

   Some signs of hidden wounds include unexplained depression, unreasonable reactions, irrational fear and so on. It affects the way people see life, and thus, people are surprised when someone reacts or responds completely different than expected.

   In short, people need help. They need to connect with the love of God, and have others available to help them navigate through the healing process. They need empathetic people who will love them well. They don’t need judges, and yet, they need others who will also call them out when they misstep. To be clear, they need those who speak for their benefit. They need straight-shooters.

   Ephesians 4:15-16 But speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him Who is the Head, even Christ, from Whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love.

    When you experience the unexpected from another, it would be easy to write him or her off. However, love is not easily offended. No one dreams of becoming a monster as a child; they had far greater aspirations. The enemy sought their destruction. They were victimized, but that doesn’t mean they have to be victims. Jesus came to change all of that.

   John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.

   There is so much that could be said in this area, but for the moment we’ll end this on this note: we need to give each other room for growth. Love changes things. As Holy Spirit leads, we may even have to hold one another accountable in the process. Relationships can be healed, made new and better. It does require a willingness and humility on everyone’s part. Ultimately it requires the love and grace of God.

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