People generally detest being manipulated by others; nonetheless, they have all fallen victim to manipulation at one time or another. Some are easier to manipulate than others. So, how does one eliminate, or at least greatly reduce manipulation in one’s life?
It starts with you. Even though we hate it, we all have been guilty of manipulating others at least once. It’s in fallen mankind’s DNA. Even after coming to Jesus, a number of believers struggle with it. Their thinking hasn’t changed to the point where they’re void of it. The ones who struggle with manipulation the most are those who learned to use it in order to survive dysfunctional lifestyles. Some have affirmation issues, which we will address in greater detail. Regardless of the reason, if you do not address your own manipulation, you will continue to fall prey to others.
The reason is simple: you reap what you sow. The Bible clearly tells us that those who deceive others will also be deceived (see 2Timothy 3:13). Manipulation is deception, even when it’s clear to everyone involved. The most dangerous form is self-deception. When people are oblivious to their own character defects, hypocrisy will run deep. We’re all familiar with faultfinders who are guilty of the same crimes of which they accuse others. Even though they may believe they’re on the up and up, their motives are duplicitous.
Self-denial is the guardian of self-deception.
[bctt tweet=”Self-denial is the guardian of self-deception.” username=””]
Perhaps, one thing believers have a hard time believing is that they still manipulate. At least, until they become aware of it. Manipulation is very subtle, which means it can be very hard to detect. It loves to hide in the shadows and masquerade as something considered good. Shadows evaporate in the light. That means we have to allow the light of the Holy Spirit to shine on our hidden thoughts and agendas. The bottom line is we have to get honest! By the way, when you become aware of your own manipulation and eliminate it, you’ll see it coming from miles off. It generally becomes crystal clear when others attempt it. That doesn’t mean one will never get by you, but you most definitely will be able to restrict its flow into your life.
Obviously, people manipulate to get what they want when they don’t feel they can get it any other way. Those with control issues tend to rely on it as well.
Manipulators don’t trust! A believer who relies on this heinous vice doesn’t trust God.
He insists on his own way, and does not believe God has the best way. He doesn’t like to hear “no;” in fact, he’s afraid to hear it. It’s as if the manipulator thinks he knows better than God. Underneath it is something deeper: he doesn’t believe God loves him. That means this Christian will spend his time trying to earn the Father’s love. His motivation is affirmation. That’s not to say anything of which he does for the Father is void of love for Him. When a child of God knows he or she is loved, he or she is free to serve out of a pure heart. If you struggle with God loving you, answer this question: do you love Him? If you answered yes, you have one major proof that He does indeed love you. It would be impossible for you to love Him; unless, He loved you first. 1 John 4:19 We love Him, because He first loved us (KJV). By the way, it’s a great idea to love whom and what He loves, so please by all means, love yourself as well. Until you do, you won’t love others well either. Read the Bible and see what God actually thinks about you.
If you struggle with God’s love, your relationship with others is probably struggling too. We all like to think we do things for others out of the goodness of our heart. Unfortunately, those who lack affirmation, often seek it from others by using manipulation. For example, self-deception says, “I’m doing this out of pure love” (you fill in the blank to define “this”). Reality reveals, “I’m doing this so they will appreciate me.” Question: ultimately, was the doing for the recipient or the doer? The recipient benefitted to a degree, but essentially it was for the doer. When people believe they are unlovable and crave affection, they will try to gain it through service or gifts, because they don’t trust others to freely love them. They will ever be striving for love and affection, which is a form of bondage. Of that number, many had parents who didn’t give them affection. In some cases, they never heard them say, “I love you!” Even a smile is worth manipulating another for in their estimation. Have you ever felt like there were strings attached to a “gift?” Did you discover the hard way that your gut was right? Anytime a person gives something to another for an ulterior motive, it’s not a gift: it’s manipulation.
If you are going to freely love God and people, you need to be honest with yourself.
That doesn’t mean you question your own motives every time you do something for someone; rather, you allow the Holy Spirit to convict you when necessary.
Be open to correction. As a suggestion, try sitting quietly with a notebook and pen. Ask the Lord to speak to your heart, and write what you sense Him saying. Read it objectively as possible without shame, guilt or condemnation. Allow Him to show you how to think differently. That’s repentance at work, and with it comes healing and restoration. When you see it the way God sees it, you’ll detest manipulation enough to get rid of it. Once you confess it to Him, it will go if you’re sincere. As already stated, once you’ve faced your own manipulation, it will be easier for you to spot it in others. Please be careful about judgment when you do. Be compassionate and pray for them. They’re struggling with love too!
