A Sign You Are Harboring Unforgiveness

One way to know if you are harboring unforgiveness toward others, is having the desire for them to not repent, and change for the better. You prefer the status quo, so you don’t have to reconcile with them. It gives the excuse to keep them at a distance. In addition, it gives one a sense of superiority, especially if one was deeply wounded by the other. It is a form of compensation.
For some, not forgiving others is a form of retaliation. This is evident when a person asks for forgiveness, and the other refuses. He wants to see the other suffer, therefore, refuses to release the other from his transgression. This is where that superiority thing surfaces, in that he wants to see the other grovel at his feet for forgiveness. It’s a form of vengeance. And what does the Bible say about vengeance?
Romans 12:19-21 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

Some Reasons for the Unforgiveness

Why would a person refuse to forgive? One reason is pride. Sometimes the ego gets a bit bruised, which causes him to react negatively. Quite often it escalates into anger.      
Another reason people will not forgive is pain, which tends to have a profound effect. It too, may lead to anger. because it gives a sense of power. Even though this may state the obvious, it would be good remember that some of angriest people are deeply hurt. They weaponize anger to keeps others in check.
Pain often joins forces with fear. Because of the fear of being hurt again, individuals will not let down their guard enough to forgive. This creates an emotional barrier, which insulates them from further pain. One of the mechanisms of our brain is self-preservation. It uses fear as a means to alert us to danger, which causes us to fight or flee. It influences our willingness forgive.  

Consequences of Not Forgiving Others

Unforgiveness can be spiritually detrimental if there is no repentance. Yes, the one who refuses to forgive needs to repent, even if he is an innocent victim. Not only does it place a gap between people, it places one between the individual and God.
Matthew 6:14-15 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Additionally, that lack of forgiveness will cause more pain, as it leads to bitterness. Sadly, because unforgiveness tends to shipwreck relationships, it destroys the possibility of having the deep, meaningful ones that bring much joy. Not only does it affect those directly involved, it can have negative consequences with other relationships. Have you ever been caught in the middle of a dispute that wasn’t yours? The list goes on.

When It Seems Impossible to Forgive

As previous stated, strong emotions can make it rather difficult to forgive; but it is not impossible. Otherwise, Jesus would not have commanded us to do so. It is an act of the will; not the emotions. In fact, when we obey in spite of what we feel, the emotions will come into alignment as a result.
Mark 11:25 And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
Part of the process of forgiveness is remembering humans are not perfect. Sometimes, they do hurtful things for various reasons. For example, hurt people, hurt people. We won’t examine the various reasons people do what they do.
God’s grace enables us to do what we are incapable of doing ourselves. By going to Him in prayer, He can and will empower us to forgive the “unforgiveable.” We simply need to be honest with Him. “Father, I know I’m supposed to forgive, but I’m stuck, and I need your help.” It does not have to be complicated.
Hebrews 4:16 Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

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