It’s About Them
When asking others for forgiveness, it is important to make it about them. It is not for our benefit. Grappling with a guilty conscience can divert our attention to ourself, because of the desire for relief associated with it. Frankly, we should not be driven by guilt; rather, we should be led by love. Love allows the conviction of the Holy Spirit to steer us in the right direction.
When love leads, the focus shifts to those who have been hurt or offended. It understands the importance of forgiveness, and that it is crucial to their relationship with our Father, as well as their healing.
Mark 11:25-26 Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions (NASB).
It is important for them to forgive us, so they may continue receiving forgiveness from our Father. If they will not forgive, neither will He forgive them. This is a huge reason we go to them. We want to avoid being a stumbling block to others. Unforgiveness leads to bitterness, and that is a very unhealthy thing to have.
However, we cannot use this verse to manipulate someone into forgiving us. Ironically, those with guilty consciences may have a tendency to use guilt to control others. When people become desperate for relief, they tend to use whatever means necessary to get it, which has consequences. Once manipulation is employed, things tend to go south. How do people typically respond when they feel manipulated? They push back. In short, it causes a greater wedge in the relationship. It creates a stumbling block!
“I would feel better if you forgave me.” The moment we make it about ourselves, and seek to get off the hook, it will come across as being insincere. In fact, it may reveal a lack of repentance. It exposes the fact one has a limited concern for the other, if at all. Even if a person is sincere, the other person won’t see it that way. “You only care about yourself.” This is one reason people find themselves unforgiven from others.
When someone is genuine, it is much easier to forgive him or her. “I’m sorry” is less meaningful than, “Please forgive me.” The latter requires more humility. Saying, “sorry,” may imply one is sorry for getting busted and looking bad.
Asking Requires Humility
Asking for forgiveness requires humility, and humility does not rationalize. There are a number of things that can cause a riff between people. When there’s a misunderstanding, for example, one might give an explanation to clear things up. Nonetheless, there is a difference between rationalization and explanation. Self-deceptive rationalization lacks integrity. Humility is honest, and will go to the heart of the matter, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Individuals will use rationalization to cover selfishness, or even malicious intent. Obviously, this points to self-deception. If we want to make it about ourselves, it would behoove us to be honest with ourselves, so we are able to be honest with others, and thus, make it about them.
Truthfully, we all have blinds from time to time, and we need clarity to get rid of the self-deception. Communion with Holy Spirit plays a critical role in this endeavor. Asking Him to reveal blind spots, and repenting, when necessary, vacates self-deception which is rooted in pride.
Matthew 5:23-24 Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.
